Okay it has been awhile. I mean like almost two years. Turns out full time work and two young ones doesn't leave much time for anything else. But school has started and they are both attending! Jobs have changed and I am part time now and therefore back at writing about our lives from time to time.
I have been intending to write about this for awhile; however, like most things with me intentions and actions are two very different things. I mean really, if things were based on intentions I should be accepting my Nobel peace prize any day now. But I digress as this is another subject for another day.
Today is about mortality and immortality. You know a pretty light subject to kick things off. Prior to having children it was something that never crossed my mind. But now....
Now I have learned what it means because I have lost mine.
A lesson I have only learned since having my children. Before children I was invincible. I never thought about what I could wrong, if someone could get hurt. I may have even classified myself a bit of a risk-taker. I remember distinctly thinking it odd when hearing others express concern about most things: flying, motorcycles, foreign travel. All of these things seemed like great adventures and experiences. In fact if you were planning any type of adventure, I was your girl. White water rafting; I'm in. Sky diving; for sure. Traveling anywhere; definitely.
But now, how times have changed. When looking to take a vacation prior to having children I would have typed something like “best places in the world to white water raft” into Google and based my holiday planning on the results I found. Last year while booking a holiday my first search entered into Google was something along the lines of “safest destinations for children”. I have gone from arriving home from a weekend away at 6:00am on Monday morning and forgoing any sleep to shower and just show up for work; to barely making it to double digits most nights and being concerned of how lack of sleep is affecting me. I had a full on decision with my spouse about the need to have a least two more first aid kits in our procession the other night. I have begun to carry weird items in my bag just to be prepared and I even got a flu shot this year, just in case.
This cautious behaviour is still somewhat surprising to me and every now and then I recognize it creeping in. Like when I was watching them sled down a small hill in our area. I mean really small like run up and down it 10 times and not hardly be out of breathe small. I caught myself thinking “maybe I should purchase helmets for this activity”. It still blows my mind that I am responsible for other human lives. I mean, I barely function to take care of myself on some days.
Some people has tried to convince me that this is really about accepting responsibility as I get older; however, I stand by my original thought that my children have simply stolen my mortality from me at birth.
x
